I love you, but I love me more

I’m working on it.  Actually I’m working on the whole love thing in general.  A well-meaning yogi recently offered some advice I wasn’t quite ready to hear when I expressed how my chest felt tight after class “you need to open your heart chakra”.  Eeeesh, I desperately wanted to shrug it off as some esoteric nonsense but deep down I knew it was true.  My heart had been bound by armour for as long as I can remember and it was firmly in place.  All those years of guarding my heart diligently, not letting others get too close, hunching my shoulders and folding my arms to keep it safe.  The years of unexpressed feelings and emotions I’d locked away sat tightly latticed encasing the most precious jewel of all like Russian dolls. My instant reaction to this realisation was fear as it usually is, through detaching from my emotions for so long this tends to be my default setting.  When somebody says something that I don’t agree with, when I think someone is mad at me, when the focus is on me, this 99% of the time is the place I go.  Needless to say I don’t do too well with surprises and definitely not spontaneous declarations of affection; even though deep down it’s what I really want.  There’s just a seemingly impenetrable mould of ice to pickaxe through first. 

The moment I realised I’d become an ice queen was a toughie to take, having always viewed myself as a smiley, cheery and positive kinda gal.  The ice queen persona was reserved for Disney animations or the occasional blatantly bitter co-worker who views life through ‘glass half empty’ specs.  My carefully curated self-image was falling by the wayside, and fast.  If there was ever a time to punch the panic button it was now.  Was I finally been found out? The people pleasing, approval seeking, Pollyanna role was the only one I knew how to play.  Who would I be without it? Many google searches later the evidence became clear, I was going to have to fess up to who I really was, feel my feelings and worse still actually begin to express them.  Enough to make me dry gag and wish I had a stunt double. 

“Inhale calm… exhale fear”.  It wasn’t helping; this was clearly going to be a bigger cookie to crumble.  My soul searching mission had just been taken up a few notches and coming to this realisation in Ubud could only be a good thing.  Or so I thought, after all this was the capital of healing and all things Spiritual (with a capital S).  Before arriving here I’d really bought into the hype and had visions of penetrating a violet aura on arrival and my fears dissolving into an elixir of wellness.  Sadly this wasn’t quite the case; being bundled out of the taxi near Taco Casa as the traffic was so bad, wasn’t quite the idyllic scene that Eat Pray Love had portrayed.   I still woke every morning with the same pangs of anxiety that had prompted me to sell all my possessions, quit my job and buy a one way ticket to Bali, because I was convinced that my intuition was right on point with this one.  I was assured that this was all part of the drill, “just sit with it” and accept whatever was “coming up” as I tried to keep down my macro bowl and green juice.  So began my deep dive into the vast waters of truth seeking in search of treasure.  I’d dipped my toe in before, howling at the moon in shamanic ritual, partaking in a yoni steam women’s circle and exploring my Akashic records.  Hesitantly trying to voice my truth at Red Tent meetings and reluctantly attempting to “let go”, at a sober ecstatic dance class.  It’s fair to say that in Ubud there is a healing opportunity on every corner be it cacao ceremonies, sound healing , cleanses, tantric breath work, chakra balancing, astrology, crystal therapy.  The list doesn’t stop there by any means but just to give you a taster.  To begin with I was like a kid in a candy store, spending my days at the Yoga Barn doing back to back classes, chanting, meditating, and having acupuncture sessions.  Debating whether to study Ayuvedic medicine or Traditional Chinese Medicine? Whether to go Paleo or raw vegan? How to schedule eating the heaviest meal before 2pm and not a moment after, as the earth’s energy is the most potent between ten and two.  All this choice quickly sent my head into a spin and left me feeling totally reliant on advice from the next healer or person further along the path than I was.  The further I swam in this sea of spirituality the further I got from myself and from reality.  I was comparing myself to others more than ever before, berating myself for not being as ‘enlightened’ as those that appeared to be.  I trusted everyone else’s opinion, not once my own and I was giving my power away at every turn. 

Ironically this ‘self-help’ crusade was yet another distraction technique I was using to avoid the real task at hand; opening my heart and feeling safe to love and to be loved.  I’m only really just getting going with this; I know that it’s going to be an interesting ride getting to know this crazy little thing called love.  What I’ve come to realise through the ups and downs and twists and turns to date is that awareness is key; once we have that we’re half way there.  We cannot fix what we can’t see and often the realisation of the very thing that has been blocking us all along is the most painful part.  How it’s possible for us to be trapped in a swamp of sadness for so long and feel that we are powerless.  When we have the courage to look at ourselves in the mirror and accept what isn’t working for us and believe we can change it, we are opening ourselves to the possibility of a limitless life.  I’m most definitely a work in progress which feels a relief to declare after pawning my self-esteem to perfection for so long.  Coming to terms with the fact that the image I’ve served to the world no longer serves me and past its sell by date many moons ago.  From now on I’m trusting in both the darkness and the light and in time my heart and I can emerge confidently from the shadows.